Once Upon A Little Farm

A Glimpse Into Our Country Life

Time to Face It

on January 16, 2013

My blog started off strong and then trailed off into the dark.  That’s because I’ve trailed off into the dark.  After hitting my lowest low this past weekend, I decided that it is finally time for me to confront the fact that I am depressed.  Not major.  Perhaps more of a dysthymia.  Have I had this clinically diagnosed? No.  Awhile back I was at my doctor listing of a litany of symptoms, but more were to do with abdominal pains I had been having for awhile (which have since completely disappeared).  Enough of my list must have been related to my emotional and psychological well-being because my doctor said “If you think you are depressed you can have anti-depressants.”  No thanks.

My typical days are full of negative thoughts, little patience, yelling at my children, stressing over everything and anything. I see piles of laundry just getting higher, clutter everywhere, dishes not done for days, disgusting bathroom, kitchen table buried under rubble, and I do nothing about them. Just before this time last year I would have kicked it into high gear and cleaned up messes, had clutter, but cleared it sooner, and kept up better on dishes.  Not a lot better, but still, not 3 or 4 days worth of dishes undone.  Though I have been experiencing  most of this for awhile (afterall, I have flat out refused to invite anyone into our home for almost a year now), as of late, I just do not feel like tackling anything.  Every task seems too big and overwhelming.  Everything seems overwhelming.  Often now, my only accomplishment for the entire day (other than going to work 12 hours a week) is making supper.   I have some theories on how I got to be this way.  That’s for a later post.

So here I am, a self-diagnosed mama with the blues. Why did I not fess up this sooner? I’m not sure. Embarrassment maybe? Fear? Unwillingness to take anti-depressants and feeling that was my only option? Very few folks have really even noted my hum-drum-glum demeanor. I think I hide it well.  Some who did were not much of a help, but rather more of a harm, driving me further back into my shell with their “tough love” approach and “expert sounding advice”.  Some things they said to me have gone pretty deep and have actually caused one issue to worsen. My husband says I’m definitely not the happy-go-lucky-always-smiling girl he fell in love with, but that it has been so long since I’ve been her, this has become the new me and he is so used to it.  That by no means is a reason for me to stay this way.  I want the old me back.

Other than my hubby and my God I’ve confided in one dear friend who is with me every step of the way. I’ll update on my journey back into the light!

Please note:  this is not an invitation for advice.  

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2 responses to “Time to Face It

  1. Charlene says:

    I’m sorry you’re down right now. I usually call on friends to help me tackle my disastrous messes with me. While it can be embarrassing temporarily, the time spent with my friends does wonderful things for me. This time lifts my mood, keeps me motivated, gives me a person to bounce ideas off of, and helps me catch up with others. I hope writing helps you move through this rough patch. You’re an awesome woman Jules, never forget that!

  2. jcshutt says:

    Thank you so much, Charlene! I appreciate your kind words!

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